As I know that I have run over half of my life there is some time to reflect. I got pondering what was the single biggest mistake I ever made? Sure there have been way to many to put in any post .( or novel for that matter) So drumroll please?
The single biggest mistake I have ever made was that I was simply willing to give in too easy to pressures from other. Of course life now has hit me with an emotional valley that was hard the first time but there is one coming that will make that one look like a walk in the park. The thing is there is nothing I can do to stop it when it hits!
Over ten years ago while standing by my dying father’s bedside and he was telling me he was dying it was at that moment that I learned a valuable lesson about life. That is no matter how big or strong I am there are forces in this universe that I am as weak as a fly in a hurricane. I had always been there for him but on this night there was absolutely nothing I could do to help and we both knew it. After he had taken his last breath I did something I never had given any thought to and that was calling the time of his death. Just think about that for a second. It was one of the 2 things ( he had been in law enforcement) we had never talked about and now it was time to make that call. The other thing was the closing the lid on his casket. When I was approached by the funeral director and asked the question about closing the lid I told him I would do it. It was just instinctive for me to do it and frankly I couldn’t let someone else do it. My father taught me that as a man there are certain things you must go do no matter if you like it or not. My last words to his dead body were ” good by dad” when they should have been ” thank you dad”. Through the events of the last few years I have come to understand him better. Things he went through decades ago and that I frankly hammered him over I was so wrong. He had started talking with an old high school girlfriend and he said it was because she would just listen and nothing else. Now being a caregiver I understand how nice it would be just to have someone to listen. You see Mark Twain said the following:
SSo dSad taSo myught me life’s ultimate lesson and yet there was nothing I could do to change it.
As we go through our days it is not uncommon for someone to ask someone else how they are doing? It is a nicety that is very common but in most cases it’s not really sincere. When I ask someone how they are doing I really am curious as to how their day is going? As humans we are so good at putting on public faces while inside we are longing for someone to really care about them. The truth is many people in our lives have some kind of agenda. They have a vested interest in how you are handling certain situations. Of course these are the same folks who will lie to your face about what is happening in their lives. Of course when you are sincere with another person that means both of you have an unspoken understand that this is something both of you really want. Which often can be a good thing.
As we age we devolpe more and more defence mechanisms to protect our true feelings from coming through. Why is that? Part of it is your not 25 anymore and life has beaten you up pretty good. For many they have been in relationships for years and it’s comfortable so why rock the boat? My question is why not? There are certain people you meet in life that you just want to have them lay their head on your lap so you can hear their hopes,dreams, and fears. You don’t understand why this is happening but it is and you may never understand. Yes those feelings are scary but do want to always what to wonder if you had just followed your feelings what great things could have happened? The choice is up to you. You never know that the other isn’t feeling the same way!