Father’s Day A Mixed Bag Of Emotions

Well father’s day is here and for many it’s a day of mixed emotions. For those who still have their fathers there can be great joy and time spent together along with making new memories. Then there are those whose father is no longer with them and that …….. Trust me it doesn’t get easier over time. I lost mine over a decades ago and I miss him more today than that horrible day on halloween 2008. Standing by his bedside as he was grasping the bed rail his face unshaven ( which was not like him at all) saying to me ” son I am dying” and of course my words of wisdom were ” it’s going to be ok”. No it wasn’t but what else do you say? In those fleeting moments I begged him with everything in my tool bag to keep him fighting for the love of his life was on her way. ( not my mother) I had called her son and made it perfectly clear that I needed her here ( at the hospital) now! She did make it and within a few minutes his was gone. One of the things I came to realize as I was begging him to hold on is that no matter how big and strong I am there are forces in this world that I have no power over. I was standing next to the bedside of a man that I had always been there for and I was powerless. My parents had divorced many years earlier and when we had the viewing my mother made the observation that the casket was green. That thing was going into the ground and he had picked it out. The things that people said to me that night were silly to say the least. Many of us have been there in those situations you get introduced to people that your late parent had gone to grade school with and they wanted to pay their condolences. You walk away wonder who these people where and why was I required to speak with them?

In these types of situations the history of what happened gets modified to say the least. When my father took his last breath his other 2 children were nowhere to be found. How ironic was that? They were given far more chances in life than I was. There were simply 2 sets of rules. One for them and one for me.

Through the years there has been some discussion as to how things would have been different if they had been around? In the end it was probably best for me that they weren’t. I could just go do and not have to worry about that added drama.

I do miss him so much each and every day. One day while speaking with my mother I was lamenting the fact he was gone and she asked me one question. “Son knowing how bad your dad was at the end would you really want him back like that?” Of course the answer is no because after his death we found out how much he was covering up just how bad he was.

So another father’s day is here and in time things might get better? Not really……….

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